The Five Letter Word
by The Lonely Goatherd
Summary: As guilt begins to take hold, Calliope Torres begins to wonder.  Set after 7x07 "That's Me Trying".  Callie/Arizona


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy.

**Author's Note:** I've been wanting to write fluff; funny-fluffy fluff. But our girls have entered angst and angst has taken its hold. So this is not fluff. This is not fluff at all. But I do hope you enjoy it nonetheless!

**Summary: ** Three months later and Callie wonders how different her life would be had she chosen to get on a plane.

**The Five Letter Word-  
****-A Story**

Callie Torres often wondered what her life would be like had she gotten on a plane.

Life in Africa would be different, of course. Her living quarters would be a single, fading room. Her belongings not strewn about her apartment but what she could fit in bag. Cloudy days would be replaced by endless sun. These things were certain. Fact.

What was not certain was how she would feel. How they would be. How in love she would consider herself. Would she hate Arizona for dragging her around the world? Would she resent her for asking her to give up her life? But, she knew, Arizona hadn't asked. It had been her idea to go along. Because the other option had been too painful, even though leaving was something she couldn't even begin to fathom.

Callie wondered, would the hole that resided in her chest be with her in Africa?

Callie sighed, shifting on her back to stare at the ceiling through the dark.

Perhaps she could have loved it. Going to a foreign country, to help children and people whose lives often didn't know what help looked like. She had done it before, in the Peace Corp and it had been the most rewarding experience of her life. It was why she had become who she was today.

It wasn't Arizona's opportunity that Callie hated; it was the timing of its arrival.

They had just begun to build a life together. Callie had painted a wall beige because the woman had asked her to. Their lives had so been altered after the shooting and they were all just beginning to put the pieces back in place.

They were just becoming a unit again; the future she had always imagined for herself was finally coming to fruition.

And Arizona hadn't given any thought to any other option.

But then again, Callie knew she hadn't either.

For the first month after she had been left standing in the airport Callie had blamed Arizona. They blonde hadn't thought of staying in Seattle. The blonde had told her to stay. The blonde didn't want her to come with. The blonde had left her standing in an airport. The blonde had changed their lives without asking Callie if she wanted hers changed. The blonde had broken her heart.

They say hindsight is twenty-twenty and Callie was slowly coming to understand why.

She had been snarky. She had been petty. She hadn't been happy about the situation…ever. She had taken a gloriously happy moment for Arizona and had taken it away.

Arizona may have broken her heart, but she broke Arizona's first.

Relationships took two and Callie knew she could no longer place the entire blame on Arizona. Three months later, her guilt was beginning to make her see that. Not that she would ever admit it to anyone.

Her stubborn pride would far outweigh any guilt she felt.

_You're ruining it for me_.

Arizona's words rang in Callie's ear and she clamped her eyes shut; willing them away. Maybe she had—of course she had. But Arizona had ruined it for her too.

But at night, alone in her room, the guilt was slowly building. Eating at her conscience. Callie groaned in frustration, she picked herself up, punching her pillow before falling back down; her mind traveling four months into the past when Arizona had first received her news…

* * *

_The door clicked shut as Arizona walked into the apartment._

_ She paused, leaning her forehead against the wood before she turned; she sighed and could practically feel Callie roll her eyes from across the room. Arizona tightened her lips in a thin line, her frown deepening. They hadn't spoken since their small spat in the conference room. Arizona still wasn't sure if she was grateful that it had been interrupted. She sighed again and pushed away from the door._

_ Callie sat on their couch, her leather jacket still on, her purse secure around her shoulder; obviously ready for a fight. Arizona shrugged off her jacket, throwing it and her own purse down to the floor._

_ If her girlfriend was ready for a fight, then she sure as hell was ready too._

_ "I'm not going to pretend that I'm happy about my girlfriend moving halfway across the world."_

_ Arizona sighed again and closed her eyes, bringing her hand to her forehead, she rubbed her temples. She took in four deep breaths and opened her eyes. "When I was ten and made the girls soccer team the first person I wanted to tell was my brother. When I got accepted to Med-school, the first people I wanted to tell were my parents."_

_ Callie's own sigh filled the air. "Arizo-."_

_ "No." Arizona held her hand up, effectively cutting her girlfriend off. "No. You don't get to talk now. You did enough of that earlier." She paused, waiting to see if Callie would challenge her._

_ Silence._

_ "But when they called to tell me I received the grant; the only—_only —_person I wanted to tell was you_."

_She watched as Callie's face changed, though from guilt or exasperation she could not say._

_ "Do you honestly think I like the idea of just abandoning the life I've created here? Don't you think I wish that this could have come two years ago?" Arizona continued on, feeling tears beginning to prick the corner of her eyes. "Something is being asked of me and I have to say yes, it's my duty."_

_ "That may be how you were raised Arizona, but you're not a Marine."_

_ Arizona felt her face and heart harden. "It's _our_ duty as doctors_," _she spat and Callie's gaze instantly lowered to the ground. "You haven't even said 'Congratulations', Calliope." Arizona took in a deep steadying breath as the dam broke and her tears fell faster, no longer having control over her body. "I thought you would be proud of me. I'm sorry I thought wrong."_

_ "Arizona," Callie said, instantly standing and making her way towards Arizona, remorse finally grabbing hold of her features._

_ Arizona shook her head and pushed passed her girlfriend making her way to the bedroom. She slammed the door behind her, not caring how loud it was; this was supposed to be the happiest moment of her life._

_ And it wasn't._

_ Arizona wiped a furious hand across her face, trying to clear away the tears. It was no use. Frustrated she pushed away from the door and moved towards the bathroom shedding her clothes as she went. She turned the water on hot, hotter than she would normally have allowed and stepped under the scalding gaze; feeling the water wash away the pain of her tears…if only for a minute._

_

* * *

_

It had been in that moment that Callie had approached Arizona with the notion that she go with. She had followed her girlfriend into the shower and wrapped her arms around her slender waist; pulling her back to her front. She had rested her chin on the blonde's shoulder and had whispered the first idea that had come to mind; without giving it any thought.

The idea that Arizona had even begun to think that Callie wasn't proud of her had been heartbreaking. Of course she had been proud—her girlfriend was a fucking rock star. No ordinary person won the Carter-Madison Grant. No one. But her girlfriend had. The woman she loved more than she had thought humanly possible. Of course she was proud.

Of course.

But, Arizona had broken the news to her with a squeal of "I won the Carter-Madison and I'm going to Malawi." And the thought of her girlfriend leaving had been all too consuming and had eaten her heart before Callie could form any other thought. So she had said nothing.

Shock was a powerful monster.

To this day, Callie still hadn't told Arizona how proud she had been. Not even in the shower after their fight, after they had agreed to go together. Her decision to go with had been enough for her, though probably not for Arizona; but the blonde had bitten her lip and smiled thanking Callie for understanding, for being willing to give up her life and go when she didn't have to. So it had been enough and Callie hadn't said anymore.

It was petty, for the Callie knew.

But petty was something Callie had always done well.

Callie sighed and blindly reached for her phone; fumbling through the dark she knocked some books off the nightstand until she found it.

She pressed a button and stared at the bright screen in the dark; not caring that the light was blinding. She dialed her voicemail and paused, her thumb hovering over the send button.

She had gotten the voicemail three months ago. She had been asleep and was surprised to find the foreign number blinking back at her when she had woken. But she hadn't been surprised by the voice of the message that had greeted her. She had almost expected it. She had almost considered calling it back but she knew it would be useless—she could never get an answer from a payphone across the globe.

And so, despite her better judgment she had saved it, listening to it every night before she went to bed.

It was unhealthy, she knew, but it had quickly become the only way she could fall asleep.

With another frustrated sigh Callie hit the send button, bringing the phone to her ear.

"It's…me. I don't know if you care or not but I just wanted you to know that the plane arrived safely and I'm," Arizona's voice caught and choked slightly. "Here."

There was a long pause, filled only with the heavy sound of Arizona's labored breaths as she tried to gain control of her emotions. Callie could practically hear her thinking. "I am sorry, Callie. I am and I'm sure you hate me but I'd rather you hate me now than in six months when it would be so much harder for you to leave and start your life again."

There was another pause and sniffle a muffled "Damn It."

Silence.

"This is…this isn't what I wanted this message to be but I just couldn't…I can't…When I come back if you're…I mean, if we're could…If you wanted…I—no, I'm sorry I shouldn't even…It's not fair to you or me.

"I-I hope you find happiness Callie." Another pause as Arizona finally gave into her emotions and, like always, Callie felt tears prick her own eyes. "You should know I'll always hate myself knowing that I couldn't be the one to give it to you."

Callie rubbed her eyes and sighed as another pause permeated the message. The last part was coming now and though she had listened to it for three months, she still held her breath; wondering what it would be.

Callie set the phone on the pillow next to hers, pressing the speaker button. She closed her eyes, waiting for the voice to speak again. And just for a few seconds, before the message clicked off, she would pretend. Pretend that distance didn't exist, that heartache was but a moot point. Just for a few seconds they were together, living in their home, lying down to sleep in their bed. For a few quick seconds she would hear the words that Arizona whispered into her ear every night and she would feel her arms wrapped around her middle.

For a few seconds…she would be happy.

"I love you Calliope. Goodbye."

The message clicked off and silence filled the room. Callie wait, keeping her eyes closed as tight as she could, willing the truth of her situation to fade away. But it never did and it always came back; harsher than before.

_When I come back if you're…I mean, if we could…if you wanted…I_…

Callie Torres sometimes wondered what her life would be like in three years. Would she still be single? Would she find someone who could come close to Arizona though? Would she even care to try? If she were single would she give Arizona another chance? Would Arizona even be single?

Callie opened her eyes, once again staring into the dark empty room. She shook her head; she knew it was no use to wonder

Like Arizona had said, it just wasn't fair…to either of them.

_Fin_


End file.
